Perfectionism is a trait that many people possess, and it can have both positive and negative impacts on their lives.
You probably already know if you are a perfectionist or not. Even if you aren’t, there’s probably someone in your life who is, so you will find it useful to understand how they think and how to talk to them.
We’re going to look at how to avoid perfectionist pitfalls and how to embrace perfectionist traits. And we are going to see what happens when it becomes toxic and the effects it can have on your life and those around you.
The Quest for Flawlessness
At the core of perfectionism is the fear of being flawed. Perfectionists strive for flawlessness in some, or all, aspects of their lives to avoid feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
This drive often stems from trying to please a critical or demanding parent or caregiver as a child. The belief is that by being perfect they will be more lovable. Often this was because they only received praise for achievements, so they quickly learned that in order to get love and validation from their parents, they needed to be the best.
Unsurprisingly, this pursuit of perfection can lead to high levels of stress and burnout because of the pressure it puts on people.
Perfectionist Thinking
Perfectionists often have specific thought patterns that contribute to their desire for flawlessness. We may think:
- “No errors; everything must be exactly right, first time“
- “Why can’t other people set the same high standards as me?“
- “Other people expect me to be perfect“
- “I must get it right, or I will be a failure“
These thoughts can create a constant pressure to meet impossibly high standards and avoid any mistakes.
Perfection becomes built in to our identity – we know that people see us producing amazing quality work, so we have to do that all the time. Who are we if we aren’t perfect? We can’t even picture who that imperfect person would be or how they would have any value.
But when people don’t know us and have no expectations of us, we still feel the need for them to know that we are flawless and perfect. This shows that perfectionism isn’t about other people judging us… it’s entirely about us judging ourselves.
Perfectionism and Stress
The constant need for flawlessness can lead to significant stress and burnout for perfectionists. They set unrealistic expectations for themselves and often struggle to delegate tasks to others, fearing that their high standards won’t be met.
This can result in overwhelming workloads and a lack of work-life balance.
As perfectionists, we will often sacrifice sleep, social time, eating, family time and anything else if we have talked ourselves into the need for something to be perfect.
In fact, we can ruin perfectly good holidays or time with our loved ones by focusing on it being perfect, instead of just relaxing and allowing it to play out. We start to plan every moment in order to ‘maximise’ the fun, see everything, do everything… in other words we turn what should be fun events into a tick box project to manage.
The Eight Out Of Ten Mantra
Instead of aiming for perfection, aim for 8/10. That still means that it will be really good quality, but you will probably be able to get twice as much done, or, ideally, have more time away from the work!
As perfectionists we will never do too little work. It’s just not in our nature. But we can often do too little self care, too little genuine relaxing and too little socialising.
Remember that your 10/10 may be ‘perfect’ work, but what is the cost of that? What are you sacrificing to achieve that 10/10? Are you losing time with your kids and family? Are you losing sleep? Is your health suffering? Are you losing friends or falling out with co-workers?
When you factor all of that in, is it really 10/10? Or is it more like 4/10 overall?
Try widening the scope of how you think about the idea of perfection from the immediate work in front of you to a broader picture of a healthy, balanced life. it’s impossible to find genuine perfection because it is about balancing priorities; something always has to be prioritised over other things.
Really start to challenge how and where you apply your perfectionism – are you selectively applying it to work at the cost of your health and family?
You are always going to value things being perfect, so how can you redefine that into something more useful, healther, more balanced?
The Strength of Perfection: Accuracy, Reliability, and Thoroughness
Despite the challenges, perfectionists possess many valuable strengths. Their attention to detail and commitment to accuracy, reliability, and thoroughness often result in top-quality work and precise outcomes.
They can be trusted to deliver exceptional results when given enough time.
All of that is going to happen, even if you relax. You don’t need the stress and constant vigilance to do good work – it just comes naturally. Your vigilance is better placed watching for when your work driver starts to take over other aspects of your life.
Getting the most out of being a perfectionist is trusting that you are good enough as you are and have nothing to prove. Then you can just enjoy creating quality work, but without the angst of it needing to be perfect.
The Time Dilemma: Balancing Precision and Deadlines
One of the main challenges for perfectionists is finding a balance between their desire for precision and meeting deadlines. Their meticulousness can lead to spending excessive time on tasks, causing delays and potential burnout.
It’s crucial for perfectionists to prioritize their work and set realistic deadlines to avoid overwhelming themselves and compromising their mental well-being.
As a perfectionist, you will really benefit from asking:
- “Is this piece of work actually important?”
- “Will it matter if it doesn’t get done?”
- “Will it matter if it is done to 8/10?“
The Reluctance to Delegate
Perfectionists often find it difficult to delegate tasks, fearing that others won’t meet their high standards. Sometimes this is because they think that they will be judged for it if the project isn’t perfect. Other times it is because if they are being judged on perfection then everyone else should be too.
Obviously, when other people don’t value perfection to the same level, this can cause real friction.
When a perfectionist start taking work away from other people, or micromanaging them, it can be really stressful for other members of the team. They feel like they aren’t trusted, that they are incompetent, that they can’t live up to the perfect standards expected of them and so on. It is demotivating and causes resentment.
If you are a perfectionist, this is something to be really careful of – it can destroy teams, partnerships and marriages, and leaves you with a larger workload too.
It is one thing for you to feel a need for perfection, but when you start impacting other people, then it is getting out of control. You may notice this happening even more when you are stressed and tired – you start to control other people, trying to bludgeon them into conformity with your need to be perfect.
When you start micromanaging other people, or cutting them out, it is a flag that you need some time out to recover.
Communicating Ideas Concisely
Perfectionists can struggle with communicating their ideas concisely. They tend to include excessive details, making it challenging for others to grasp their message.
To overcome this, it’s helpful to focus on the most important aspects of a message and consider what you want others to understand or do. By simplifying your communication, you can avoid overwhelming others and ensure your ideas are effectively conveyed. Simply ask:
- “What is the most important thing I want to communicate?“
- “What is the most important thing I want the other person to do?“
Or try sticking your work into chatGPT and asking it to give you a more concise version, keeping just the main points!
The Danger of Praise
Perfectionists often receive praise for the quality of their work, which can just reinforce their need for perfection. This is NOT helpful for perfectionists. Yes, it feels good for them to have their perfectionism validated, but it can also exacerbate the negative aspects of perfectionism.
It’s important for those around them to recognize and value other aspects of their identity, rather than solely focusing on their work. Sending messages of unconditional love and acceptance can help perfectionists overcome their need for constant validation through their achievements.
The message should always be “you are already enough, you have nothing to prove“.
Coping Strategies
Ultimately, self-acceptance is key for perfectionists. Remind yourself that you are enough and worthy, regardless of your work’s perfection. Trust that your work will always be of a high standard, even if you relax.
It can be very helpful to practice:
- Meeting deadlines instead of obsessing about quality.
- Allowing others to be imperfect, and seeing that they at OK.
- Delegating tasks and trusting other people to do a decent job.
- Looking at the bigger picture of your health and home life.
- Being kind to yourself.
Remember: Striving to be perfect doesn’t make you more resilient, it makes you more dependent on the perfectionism for validation!
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