Devaluing someone is when we make them feel unimportant or insignificant, like they don’t matter. Devaluing microaggressions damage people’s social worth. 

We do this by dismissing their feelings, ignoring them or not asking for their input. This can be accidental, such as forgetting to include someone in an invitation or email. Or it can be deliberate, by making sure that they see that they haven’t been included in a meeting, for example.

Devaluing microaggressions can lead to a sense of hopelessness and helplessness, both of which undermine our resilience. Additionally, feeling devalued can erode our sense of belonging and connectedness, which is an important source of support and strength in times of stress. 

Examples of devaluing microaggressions:

• “That’s just how it is” – your thoughts and feelings on this are irrelevant
• “I don’t have time for this.” – you aren’t important enough to take the time
• “Positive vibes only” – My mood is more important than your feelings
• “You’re being irrational” – Your feelings are invalid
• “Shush” – if you’ve ever felt the rage at being shushed, you will know this one.
• “Not now” – I can’t be bothered to listen to this. What you are offering isn’t worth it.
• “She’s on her period” – her thoughts are irrational and not worth listening to.
• “You’re so pretty, how come you are single?” – your value is only how you look and you are an incomplete person without a partner.
• (Interrupting) “Well, actually, I think…” – your thoughts are less important than mine. Frequently men talk over women.
• Repeating someone’s idea as your own – happens all the time to women. Often in the same meeting that they just presented the idea.
• “Are you an intern? You look so young!” – your experience is irrelevant because of how you look.
• “The way you’ve overcome your disability is so inspiring” – I have such low expectations of people with a disability that I am surprised you can function.
• “She’s crazy” – I don’t understand how they think, so I am going to label it madness.
• “You don’t have kids to pick up, so you can work later, right?” – someone without children does not have a life outside of work and your time is less valuable.
• “What do you do for a living?” – I have assumed that you are employed because I only value people who have a job and earn their own living.

The single most common devaluing based microaggression is that many men will talk over women in meetings (yes, just that way round). A study (“Sex Roles, Interruptions and Silences in Conversations”) by the University of California looked at this very topic. 

They analysed 31 conversations recorded in public places such as cafes, shops and university campuses. Of the 31 conversations, 10 were between two men, 10 between two women, and 11 between a man and a woman. In the two same-sex groups combined, the authors found just seven instances of interruption. 

In the male/female group, however, they found 48 interruptions, 46 of which were instances of a man interrupting a woman. That’s an average of more than 4 interruptions per conversation by a man over a woman. 

Of course not every man interrupts women in every conversation, which means that some men are doing it even more often.

This is a great example of how some groups receive far more microaggressions than others – most men will experience being talked over or interrupted occasionally. Most women will have experienced it an average of 4 times during every conversation with a man. 

Ok, that’s a dodgy extrapolation from a very small study, but you get the point.

Ever since I read that study, I have been acutely aware of the frequency I interrupt people, especially women, whom I value highly. Whether it’s trying to impress them with my ‘clever’ thoughts or demonstrating how funny I am, I have to actively control my need to talk over them.

Sometimes this kind of microaggression is unintentional, or at least we aren’t aware of it. But often, there is a basis of contempt underneath; we genuinely value this person less. Sometimes we just value listening to them less than we value our need to impress them; that’s still us not valuing them as people though.

For example, in the case of talking over other people, we can see that men don’t do it to other men. What can we conclude from that? That there is an inherent unconscious bias against women. Some (many) men simply don’t value listening to a woman’s thoughts as much as a man’s. There may be an element of toxic masculinity in there too – that men have to be seen to be dominant. Listening to a woman demeans that toxic identity. 

We can also see how this is going to land differently for men and women. Since men only experience being interrupted occasionally, they can potentially brush it off as a social faux pas, an accident, excitement etc. But for a woman experiencing it for the fourth time in a single conversation, they know that it’s not an accident. They start to look for it, waiting for the man to confirm what they have experienced over and over; that their input isn’t taken seriously. And when it happens in the next meeting, and the one after that? It can be extremely demoralising, devaluing and breaks the trust and connection with those men.

How many of those devaluing microaggressions have you been on the receiving end of? Which of them hurt?