Exclusion based microaggressions are all about breaking connections; these are the ones that are going to be the biggest threat to feeling like we belong in a family, friendship circle, team or workplace. 

They are about ‘othering’ people so that they feel less welcome and more aware that they aren’t like ‘us’. They focus on difference instead of similarity and common ground.

Exclusion microaggressions often look innocent on the surface but are based on assumptions, stereotypes and prejudice. 

Their impact is often magnified by the frequency they are received by some groups; the cumulative effect is to make people feel very different to those around them, thus highlighting the divisions.

For example, a gay employee might face the same questions about their sexuality from every member of their team at different times. Individually, those questions might seem just curiosity, but by the fifth occurrence it is a pattern of othering. 

Another form of exclusion is labelling people, and assuming that they conform to your judgement of that group. It is the opposite of seeing and treating that person as an individual. It is treating one person like they are a group of people and just assuming their history, their likes, their thoughts, their ethics and their dreams.

Examples of excluding microaggressions:

1. “Oh, sorry, wrong person” – confusing two people of colour because you haven’t learned their names and just think of them as the ‘black person’.
2. “You’re transgender? Wow, you don’t look like it at all” – because it would be a bad thing if you did look transgender.
3. “Are you sure you want to pursue that career path? It’s not very feminine.” – if you choose this, you will not conform to a feminine stereotype so you will be less appealing to men and I will see you as less of a woman.
4. “Where are you from? No, where are you from originally?” – You won’t ask this to anyone who looks like you.
5. “You’re not like other [race/ethnicity/gender/sexual orientation, etc.] people I know.” – assumes that all people of that group should be the same.
6. “Do you eat that kind of food?” – I see that you are from a different culture.
7. “You’re so brave for being here” – because people like you are normally scared.
8. “Why do you wear that?” – if you want to know about religious/cultural attire, Google it.
9. “Do you even know what Snapchat is?” – ageism. The assumption that people over 30 are technically illiterate (OK, I have no idea what Snapchat is, but that’s not the point!). 
10. “Your name is so hard to pronounce” – you aren’t from round here and it’s your fault that I am uncomfortable trying to say this name.
11. “Oh, you’re gay? You should meet my friend. She’s gay, too!” – because all gay people like all other gay people.
12. “You’re so articulate” – because I expected a black/young/obese/northern person to be far less articulate.
13. “Why do you wear a hijab/yarmulke/turban? You should assimilate more.” – I think that your cultural identity is challenging to me, so I expect you to conform.
14. “Why are you here? This is a safe space for [insert marginalised group here].” – I don’t want you here because you aren’t like me.
15. “I don’t understand why the LGBTQ+ community needs their own pride events. Why can’t they just fit in with the rest of us?” – People who aren’t straight make me uncomfortable when they are visible. I am more comfortable when they are hidden and assimilated.
16. “You’re so exotic.” – something we would never say to a white person.
17. “I don’t usually date [race/ethnicity], but you’re different.” – because I don’t like other people of your race. 
18. “You’re playing the race/gender/sexual orientation card.” – I am going to dismiss your challenge because it makes me uncomfortable.
19. “You’re too young/old to understand this.” I want to feel superior by highlighting your assumed inability to comprehend something.
20. “Can I touch your hair?” – I see you as a curiosity that I can play with, and I am not going to respect your personal boundaries as I would with white people.
21. “You must come from a wealthy family to afford [insert item].” – any hard work you may have done to afford this thing is irrelevant. I am going to dismiss it and assume that you have just been lucky.
22. “You sound uneducated when you speak like that.” – you have to speak in a specific way for me to accept you as ‘educated’.
23. “Why can’t you just pay attention like everyone else?” – I don’t have the patience to deal with your different brain.
24. “You just need to try harder to fit in” – you aren’t acceptable to me as you are and must conform to more social norms to be accepted.
25. “You’re so smart, I wouldn’t have known you were on the spectrum if you hadn’t told me” – I assume that anyone ‘on the spectrum’ is unintelligent
26. “You’re too introverted to be successful in this job.” – I don’t value introversion.
27. “Good evening ladies and gentlemen” – anyone who identifies as non-binary has been excluded.
28. “You’re gay? You have to give me some decorating tips!” – I think that all gay men are into interior design.
29. “All Lives Matter” – I think that racism doesn’t exist anymore and that we shouldn’t be specifically helping any racial groups.
30. “There are only two genders” – all non-binary identities are invalid. I don’t care how you feel inside, it is more important to me to categorise everyone as male or female. 
31. “I don’t agree with all this pronoun stuff” – I don’t care about you enough to make an effort to change.

You might judge some of these to feel quite harsh; that you don’t think like that. But what matters is how the questions and comments are received – and when we are asking the same questions as everyone else, we have to accept that they may land differently to how we anticipate. Whether we mean to or not, if we say those things we are potentially making someone feel excluded and unseen.

Belonging and Connection

Connection is a primal requirement for survival. Not too long ago, and for a very, very long period of history, we lived in tribes and our survival absolutely depended on our membership of the tribe. We have a fundamental understanding that we need to feel connected to those around us to be safe. Each time that connection is damaged, we can feel incredibly unsafe, and it can have very serious consequences for our mental health.

Social isolation itself increases the risk of all-cause mortality by about 30%. In other words, we are 30% more likely to die at any given time if we are lonely. It’s one of the most important aspects of resilience – improving the quality of our relationships.

It’s why microaggressions that threaten our sense of connection by making us feel excluded are so much more damaging than they may appear on paper. 

How many of those excluding microaggressions have you been on the receiving end of? Which of them hurt?