We’ve all been there. You’re at a party, or out with friends, and someone asks how you are. You take a moment to check in with yourself and realise that you’re actually feeling pretty stressed. But instead of being honest, you put on a brave face and say something like “I’m good” or “not bad“.

It’s not that you don’t want to be honest, it’s just that there’s a lot of shame and stigma around stress. We often think of it as a personal failing, something that we should be able to just snap out of. So we don’t talk about it. We keep it hidden.

This shame is compounded by the fact that stress is sometimes seen as a sign of weakness – that we have failed mentally and we are being beaten – instead of a normal healthy reaction. We often feel ashamed even to admit that we are feeling stressed. Many of us, men especially, have been brought up to ‘knuckle down’ and just get on with things instead of talking about it.

This shame is also perpetuated by the societal illusion that the greatest sign of success is if no one ever sees your stress. Many of us engage in this agenda to hide our stress, anxiety and grief every single day. No matter how much inner turmoil we are feeling, we endeavour to hide it.

There are many reasons why we do this:

• to avoid the shame of people seeing our stress
• to avoid thinking of ourselves as weak or unable to cope
• to avoid making a fuss and impacting on others
• to avoid rocking the boat
• to avoid being seen as weak or failing
• to avoid making others feel uncomfortable or unsafe

For women, especially in the workplace, they often feel that they will be judged by the men as ‘overly emotional’, a ‘typical woman’ or simply unreliable if they express their stress or anxiety. They are forever having to compete against the perceived judgment of men.

Many men are brought up to disconnect from their emotions, and being more ‘manly’ is associated with displaying strength and dependability. Men are often socialised to believe that they should be strong and stoic. They’re supposed to be the breadwinners, the protectors. And showing any sign of weakness is seen as a failure.

The shame and stigma around stress is real. And it’s often preventing us from getting the help we need. In fact, we hide our stress so much that we are often unaware that we are even feeling it. We can be so disconnected from our internal state that we simply don’t realise what is happening.

Next time someone asks you ‘How are you?‘ take a moment to check in with yourself. How are you really feeling? Are you hiding your stress? Are you in denial? You don’t have to answer them, but it’s important to be honest with yourself.