Splitting bills down the middle, sharing out the household chores, and taking turns for time out can all be great ideas for a relationship…. until they aren’t. What happens when your relationship turns into an ongoing contract negotiation?

I used to know a couple who were fantastic at splitting everything. They had a shared bank account for bills, mortgage, school uniforms, food shopping and so on. They would each put exactly the same amount in each month. They had an agreed rota for chores, school drop offs, dog walking and so on. They even made sure that they had equal time out for playing sport or going out with friends. 

The great thing about this for them was that it ticked lots of their boxes; feeling like equal partners, no one losing out, each putting in as much as the other person, confidence in knowing when they would need to ‘work’ and when they could relax and so on.

On paper, this looked like a brilliant way of organising their lives, but in practice it had some significant drawbacks. Firstly, he earned around twice as much as her. So each month, she was left with very little in the bank, while he was not only spending whatever he wanted, he was saving up. That left her feeling anxious around money, and like she was falling behind on saving up a reserve and building up her pension.

It also meant that they could never spend money on the house – because of the insistence on going 50/50, and she didn’t feel able to afford it. The same went for holidays. Every holiday was based around her ability to pay half of it. So on the one hand, she had the comfort of knowing that she was always paying her way and not depending on him, but on the other, they missed out on holidays and a nicer home.

And their agreed schedule meant that she was up at 5am each day to do the first dog walk and get the kids ready for school. But she was constantly exhausted and her health suffered for it. 

It was as if they had ‘gone Dutch’ to the extreme and treated the even split as the end goal of their relationship.

Not every couple goes this far, but it’s not uncommon for some of the passion or closeness of a relationship to become lost to the mundanity of everyday chores.

So how can we take the advantages of this approach, but also get rid of the drawbacks?

Contractual Thinking in Relationships

Many people approach their relationships with a mindset of contractual thinking, where they focus on what they can get and what they are owed. It is usually well intended, to ensure that everything is fair and no one gets lumbered with more work or costs. 

We assume that it creates a healthy working relationship, but does it?

And when kids are involved, everything has to take on an even more practical role, because much of the day revolves around their needs and things happening in a strict order at specific times. Practicality wins out there. Contractual thinking can play a big part in the smooth running of a family.

However, that doesn’t mean that it should always be the goal, or that it will necessarily provide the best outcome if it’s the only way we talk to each other.

It Shifts Your Mindset

The danger is that we end up thinking in terms of what we are getting from the relationship, instead of what we can give. That’s always what a contract negotiation is about; getting the best deal for ourselves, and ensuring parity. 

But is that really all we want from an intimate relationship? 

There can be a basis of love and care underneath, because we want to ensure that the other person doesn’t get taken advantage of, but it doesn’t suggest that we are putting them first or that they are our priority. The symbolism isn’t great.

And when so much of your relationship is about practical things, the small symbolic gestures take on a whole new level of importance. 

Contracts Create A Tit-for-Tat Mentality

Contractual thinking often fosters a tit-for-tat mentality, where each partner feels the need to match actions and rewards in a transactional manner; “You had a night off last week, so it’s my turn this week”. 

This can lead to a constant cycle of expectations, disappointments, and resentments. Instead of focusing on giving and receiving love, the relationship becomes a series of negotiations and demands. 

And we never feel that we have our fair share, because that’s how our brain works – we always feel hardly done by, because we never have enough time to properly relax, or the jobs take longer than planned or the kids are worse behaved for us. That can lead to resentment, even though everything is ‘equal’.

The tit-for-tat mentality can mean that we lose sight of the care for our partner too. We get drawn into thinking that as long as everything is ‘fair’, and evenly shared, that this will work out. Yet we all have periods where we need more support or more care. Sometimes we just want our other half to shower us with care so that we don’t have the weight of the world on our shoulders for a while.

Not The Same As Healthy Boundaries

We should clarify that contractual thinking is not the same as setting healthy boundaries in a relationship. Boundaries are important for maintaining individual autonomy and ensuring respect. 

However, contractual thinking goes beyond boundaries and focuses more on what each partner is owed, creating a transactional dynamic that can erode the emotional connection.

Think Back To When You First Met

When we first meet someone, it’s all about how we can impress them. We focus on what we can do for them, how we can make their lives easier and better, how we can brighten up their day. 

And there’s no reason we shouldn’t have that mindset throughout our relationship.

That’s the counter to the contractual mindset. It’s how we make sure that our relationship doesn’t become just another workplace.

Switch Your Mindset to Abundance

When we are splitting up chores, bills, and time out, we should ideally approach it from the other direction, from a mindset of abundance. Think “where can I use my excess energy to make their life easier?” rather than “I’m doing this much, so they should do that much“. 

If both partners are always trying to give more than they take, then neither feels hardly done by and both people feel valued.

The aim is to look for where and when your partner might need more space, more support and more energy from you. And that shouldn’t come from a place of feeling like we have to give more in order to feel like a good person, it should come from a place of feeling amazing just from giving. We do it because we love this person and want their life to be easier and happier.

It’s not easy to keep that up, and it’s something I constantly have to remind myself about. 

How do you keep yourself from falling too far into that contractual relationship mode? I’d love to hear any tips!