Are you finding it hard to watch your partner make decisions you don’t agree with?

Do you feel an overwhelming desire to step in and guide their choices or shield them from potential hurt and disappointment?

If so, then you may not be respecting their autonomy!

In relationships, it’s common to have the urge to guide and protect our partners. However, it’s also important to recognize and value their autonomy – their ability to make their own choices and decisions. Respecting autonomy creates a foundation of trust, mutual respect, and personal growth within the relationship. 

But how do we spot when we aren’t respecting someone’s autonomy? And where’s the balance between caring for them and controlling them?

Understanding Autonomy

Respecting autonomy means acknowledging and appreciating your partner’s independence. It involves allowing them the freedom to be their own person, make their own mistakes, and choose how they want to spend their time, energy, and money.

Autonomy is about valuing the individuality of your partner and recognising that their needs and desires may differ from your own.

One of the most common places I see this, as a coach, is when we disapprove of our partner’s nutrition and exercise choices, for example. If we exercise more, or eat healthier food than our partner, then it’s very easy for us to judge the other person. 

Sometimes this leads us to try to control or ‘subtly’ influence their choices. Maybe we buy them a gym membership that they haven’t asked for, for Christmas, or maybe we don’t buy the food they want when we do the supermarket sweep. Or maybe we simply look disapprovingly at what they are eating. 

Underneath it, though, we are simply not respecting their autonomous choice to live how they wish. As much as we might tell ourselves that it’s about wanting them to be healthy, and that it’s for their own good, that’s just a cover story to justify our interference.

Autonomy in Relationships

This is where it can get more confusing, because when we are in a relationship our decisions no longer solely affect us. They now impact our partner and family too. And sometimes, we therefore feel that we have a right to control, direct or influence those choices. 

For me, the balance is about ensuring that I don’t overstep. If it affects me, then yes, I should have a say. But that’s about communication, rather than coercion. We have to come to an agreement, together, rather than me trying to push my agenda.

If it’s about money, it can get even trickier because shared finances affect both people and what I want to spend may not be what she wants to spend. For instance, I get satisfaction from researching and buying the best quality items that will last. My partner gets satisfaction from buying something that doesn’t cost a huge amount. 

So we have to find a balance; it can’t simply be a case of one person setting the rules. 50% of the time the other person has to have their way too!

Stepping Back from Telling Them What to Do

It’s very easy to develop a habit of telling our partner what to do, especially if they allow that to happen. If one person is naturally more dominant, it’s even more important to watch out for that tendency to become the ‘boss’. While controlling behaviour may come from a place of care, it can erode trust and creates a power imbalance. 

Constantly telling your partner what to do can make them feel undervalued and untrusted. 

And the less trusted we feel, the less trustworthy we act. We start to hide our choices so that they can’t be judged or controlled. Sometimes we do things just to prove to ourselves that we are still an autonomous person. This can show up as reckless spending, gambling, poor choices on a night out and so on.

Avoid Over-Helping

When we care deeply about someone, we may feel the need to over-help or take over tasks for them. We want to protect them from getting hurt. 

A common example of this is a parent being protective of an adult child. While a protective instinct is natural, it can get out of control and become interfering.

I used to have a client whose son was in his late twenties and hadn’t lived with his parents for many years. Yet whenever he told my client about his work or life issues, she would step into organiser mode and start interfering. Sometimes this was simply a matter of constantly asking questions about it, checking in and so on, but sometimes it would take a step further into her bossing him around and manoeuvring him into taking the action she thought best. 

Even when her husband and son pointed out this behaviour, it was so ingrained that she must “protect her child” that she struggled to get a hold of it. The result was that her son told her less and less, and the relationship suffered, until she was able to take a step back and start trusting that he was a grown man who could make his own decisions and mistakes.

Building Trust through Autonomy

Controlling behaviours in a relationship stem from a lack of trust. We say that it’s about protecting the other person, helping them see that we know a better way and stopping them from hurting themselves… but, underneath, we genuinely don’t trust their judgement.

And that’s what we have to address; why don’t we trust and respect them? How would you feel about someone questioning all of your decisions? What does it do to your confidence when someone doesn’t trust you?

By giving your partner the freedom to make their own choices, you demonstrate confidence in their judgement. This trust creates a space for open communication, personal growth, and self-expression. Respecting autonomy strengthens the bond between partners and allows the relationship to flourish.

Practical Steps to Respecting Autonomy:

1. Allow your partner to make their own choices, decisions and mistakes.

2. Wait for them to ask for guidance before you offer it.

3. Ask for their guidance and opinion more often.

4. Trust them to do things, even though sometimes they will get it wrong; the trust and autonomy is more important to the long term health of the relationship.