Many of us lead ‘inauthentic’ lives, or hide parts of ourselves, without even realising it. We conform to societal expectations and what we think others want us to be, often suppressing what we might want to do or say.

This can cause a great deal of deep, underlying stress and anxiety. We may feel like we’re constantly putting on a mask, or a ‘brave face’. It takes a huge amount of energy to keep up a false persona, no matter how well practiced it becomes.

The underlying fear is that if we don’t conform, we will be rejected and unloved.

That fear of a lack of connection is greater than the fear of not being ourselves, so we often bury our own needs and just say the “right” things, take the job our parents would approve of, make the choice our partner wants and so on. Everything from what we wear to how we talk becomes influenced by our interpretation of other people’s expectations.

We’re under constant pressure to meet societal expectations. We’re expected to get good grades, get a good job, buy a house, get married, be the perfect mother, be the perfect employee, be ambitious, etc. It often feels easiest just to go along with these societal expectations because no one questions them. They are communally safe choices, even if they are not what we would really want given a free choice.

Which Parts Of Your Life Did You End Up In By Default?

Many of us make default life choices without even realizing it. We choose what we think is the “safe” or “normal” option instead of following our hearts. We may choose a job that we don’t really want or stay in a relationship because it’s comfortable. Our brains are so trained to conform and take that ‘easy’, expected path, that we barely register that there are choices.

I went to university because that was simply what I was supposed to do. I got a coding job, because that was what one did after graduating. Luckily my entrepreneurial side kicked in soon after, but I could easily have stayed in that role, plodding along day after day because it was tolerable.

The Mid-Life Crisis/Awakening

For me, this is where a mid-life crisis (epiphany) comes from – after years and years of following the expected life path, we finally reach a point where we realise just how unfulfilling it can be. All that time and effort spent living other people’s expectations has left us cold. In mid-life as we start to understand who we really are and what we really want, we have the confidence and resources to do something about it.

If you feel that there are aspect of your life where you may not be living your personal best version of yourself, then the great news is that this gets easier as we age. When we are young, peer approval feels life or death at times – we will do anything to fit in somewhere. But as we get older, we lose some of that need for acceptance. Often our parents have passed on, or become less influential in our lives, and we get a greater sense of autonomy and self.

There’s no easy way to start making sweeping changes in your life. I started small. Really small. I started telling people that I played Dungeons and Dragons on the weekend. I feared the world would end. It didn’t. A few people joked about it, and then the world went on. No one rejected me. No one cared for me any less or thought any less of me (at least not to my face).

By practicing small steps like that, I am beginning to reveal and understand more about myself, and to put better boundaries in place. What small step could you take?

Did Anyone Ever Really Know You?

If we always put on a front, then those people around us never get the chance to see the real us.

We never give them the chance to know and love the real person.

The paradox is that we often fear that if we show our true self, we will be rejected, but the truth is that if we don’t show our true selves, we will never be truly loved, seen or known. Those people only ever get to know the false persona you present to them. So we have already lost.

Having said that, do remember that people will have a strong view of you in their minds, and any changes you bring in will challenge that view. It may take them time to get their heads around it. This is especially true for partners who have to come to terms with the fact that their other half is not entirely the person they thought; so be patient and supportive of them and don’t get defensive when they question it.