Cutting ourselves, burning skin, reckless behaviour, overworking, overeating, starving ourselves, overdrinking, over-exercising, self-medicating, self-sabotaging… why do we do it?

When we picture self-harm, we usually think of teenage girls cutting their arms or legs, but the need to harm ourselves is much wider spread than that and can take many forms.

It can be terrifying for parents and partners witnessing it, often leaving them feeling helpless and like they are failing in their duty to protect their loved ones.

Understanding Self-Harm

Self-harm is the act of purposely hurting oneself, usually physically, usually in secret and without the intention of suicide. It is a coping mechanism for unexpressed or unwanted emotions. It is a way of numbing difficult feelings, such as pain, anger, powerlessness and sadness. It can also be a way of expressing feelings that are difficult to put into words. 

When the body is injured, it releases endorphins, which are the body’s natural painkillers. These endorphins can also create feelings of euphoria, temporarily relieving emotional pain or producing a sense of being ‘alive’.

When people are feeling disconnected, the pain of a physical cut or burn can bring a moment of control and reality.

The pain is real and we control it.

Isn’t It Just For Teenagers?

Physical self-harm is most common in adolescence and young adulthood, but it can happen at any age; if the emotional distress remains unresolved, it often just adapts into different forms of self-harm such as over-working, deliberately sabotaging relationships, alcohol abuse or overeating.

Adults get better at masking their self-harm and may not even realise it is self-harm.

It’s A Coping Mechanism

Self-harm is a coping mechanism. It’s not what we would consider ‘healthy’, but often it’s the only way we know how to cope with overwhelming emotions and difficult life circumstances.

The physical damage of cuts and burns is probably less of a concern than the deeper emotional pain that is being expressed.

So if you, or a loved one, are self-harming, get professional help to address the underlying issues.

How Do Women Self-Harm?

Women typically self-harm by cutting or burning themselves. They may also engage in other forms of self-harm, such as pulling out their hair, deliberately starving themselves or interfering with wound healing so that it keeps re-opening and never fully healing properly. 

How Do Men Self-Harm?

Men typically engage in other forms of self-harm, such as punching walls, reckless driving, overworking, over-exercising, self-medicating, self-sabotaging, or deliberately putting themselves in dangerous situations. 

Expressing Unexpressed Emotions

We often think that the aim is to stop the self-harm, but it is important to remember that this is a coping mechanism – it allows people to cope with something. If you take away the coping mechanism, then they will no longer be coping.

Even if you prevent them from self-harming, the underlying cause remains… so it will just end up being expressed in a different way, perhaps worse.

Therapy is the primary way to tackle self-harm issues; since self-harm is rooted in unexpressed or confusing emotions, the first step is to learn how to express those emotions in a healthy way. This is often best done with the help of a professional counsellor or therapist.