“Come and meet this cat” my other half said yesterday, and we both went outside to say hello to a gorgeous fluffy visitor who had wandered up to our house. It was over in about five minutes, but we’d shared a little moment of pleasure together. Why is this important? Because shared experiences are a key part of a healthy relationship.

It’s not just about being physically present with someone, but truly sharing the experience together. Whether it’s a small everyday moment or a grand adventure, these shared experiences can strengthen the bond between partners and create lasting memories. 

What Makes It A ‘Shared’ Experience?

A shared experience is one where both partners are fully present and engaged in the moment. It’s not just about being physically together, but actively participating in the experience together. 

For example, sitting next to your partner on the sofa while both of you are on your phones is not a shared experience. 

Going on a date night and both of you thinking about work is not a shared experience.

It’s important to be present and focused on each other to truly share the moment.

Naturally Sharing Experiences

One of the great joys of a relationship is having someone to share experiences with, and it’s something we ideally want to naturally do. But sometimes, we have to practise the habit first. 

For me, my first thought in many new places, where I know that my partner would get some pleasure or interest from it, is “ooh, I wish Holly was here to see this too”. But that’s not something that I take for granted, and try to ensure that I think of her whenever I can.

How often are you looking for chances to share experiences with your partner?

You’re Either Growing Together Or Growing Apart

You may have heard the coaching expression that “you’re either growing, or you’re dying”. It seems harsh, but it’s the same with relationships. You’re either growing together, or you’re growing apart. There is no standing still. 

Sometimes we fall into the trap of thinking that our relationship is just running along steadily because we are in our daily routines, but it’s an illusion. Both people in the relationship are changing all the time, so the relationship has to change too or it gets left behind.

Just as we, as individuals, need new experiences, so do our relationships. Relationships have a life of their own, and without new stimuli, they can become stale. 

Being Present In The Moment

One of the keys to improving your relationship through shared experiences is being fully present in the moment. I mentioned mobile phones earlier, and more than ever there is the risk of the digital divide. I’ve lost count of the number of times I have found myself completely unable to recall what my partner was talking about because I wasn’t paying attention and was looking at something on my phone. And the worst part is that it’s often some junk on Instagram or Facebook.

When you engage in activities together, make a conscious effort to put away distractions and focus on each other. By giving your undivided attention, you show your partner that they are valued and important to you, fostering a deeper connection. 

I’ve started zipping my phone into my jacket pocket (when I remember) so that when I reach for it I have to do something else first before I can see the screen. That one second of delay helps me to register what my hand was doing and stop myself. It’s an addiction.

Boosting Communication

Shared experiences provide ample opportunities for communication and understanding. Engaging in joint activities allows you to have meaningful conversations, share thoughts and feelings, and strengthen your emotional bond. 

By actively listening and expressing empathy during these moments, you can enhance your communication skills and build a stronger foundation for your relationship.

Just having those new experiences together broadens your horizons, and gives you new things to talk about.

Appreciating The Small Moments (Microdates!)

Shared experiences don’t always have to be grand or elaborate. It’s the small, everyday moments, like stroking a cat together, that can have a significant impact on your relationship.

Taking a walk together, cooking a meal, or even cuddling on the couch can create a sense of togetherness and appreciation. This becomes more important when you are both busy and struggling to find time for longer periods of time together.

By acknowledging and cherishing these small moments, you cultivate a strong foundation of love and gratitude. 

Think of them as microdates – a small shared moment just for the two of you.

Share It, Even If They’re Not There

To some extent, we can share experiences even over distance. Sending messages, photos, video calling, and so on can all help us to share experiences, even if we’re not physically together. 

It’s about including the other person in something, even if they can’t directly experience it themselves.

My partner told me the other day that she got some genuine pleasure from seeing a horse looking over a wall in our village, watching the cars go past… because she knew that it would also make me smile. Somehow we shared that moment, even though I wasn’t there.

(If you live in Long Ashton, you probably know the horse I am talking about!)

Share It, Even If It’s Not Your Thing

Sometimes, we can go for experiences even if it’s not something we’d normally do or something we will enjoy. For example, I’m not a big fan of football, and neither is my partner, but we’ve been to a match together purely for the experience. And she has been to a metal gig with me (and almost instantly got covered in flying beer). 

It’s about sharing the experience, and enjoying it because you’re with your other person. It’s not necessarily about enjoying it because you like the thing. That’s a crucial difference that many people miss. 

I know people who won’t do anything that is outside their personal interests. They think “I won’t enjoy that, so why would I do it?”. It seems a perfectly reasonable argument, but they are missing the bigger picture – it’s a missed opportunity to share something with their partner.

It also sends the message “I don’t want to spend time with you enough to do this thing that you enjoy, because I don’t enjoy it”. In other words it says that the other person is less important than their need for comfort.

Share It, Even If It’s Not Perfect

We often put a lot of emphasis on making things perfect. We think that unless it is just right, the other person won’t have a good time. It’s a self-worth thing; we worry that our partner might judge us by the experience they have on the date. So we get obsessed with the details of it being perfect.

Not only can this put way too much pressure on something and suck some of the enjoyment out of it, it also somewhat misses the point. The aim is not to experience a perfect date, the aim is to experience anything with the other person. It’s the time together that matters.

Sometimes, when things go wrong, it provides the best memories. Those ‘perfect’ dates are often the most forgettable, but the times where everything went wrong are the ones that you remember. When the car breaks down, your tent collapses, or it rains for your entire weekend away… the experience is what you make of it. 

So when things don’t go to plan, don’t get upset, just enjoy the experience of sharing it with your partner. You’ll have a better story to laugh about later.

“But We Already Spend Time Together!”

Fantastic. But how much of it is new? Are you repeating the same time together over and over again? Nights in front of the TV can be great, but if that’s all you do, it’s not going to be enough to keep your relationship fresh and exciting.

“We Don’t Have The Time.”

You don’t have to spend hours and hours together. It’s about quality, not quantity. You can have a shared experience in a few minutes if you’re both present and engaged. 

If you are time limited, focus on the microdates; Walk around the block together, cook a meal together, or just sit and talk. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. 

“We Don’t Share The Same Interests.”

That’s great. Now you have twice as many things to do together. Take it in turns to choose what you do, and you’ll both get to experience new things. You might even find that you enjoy something that you didn’t think you would.

Remember, it’s about the experience together, not the experience.