“What’s your secret?“

That’s the question I was asked a couple of nights ago, yet again, when someone heard that I have been with my partner for 28 years. It’s always that question, because that’s what we think that we are supposed to ask. But this time, I actually tried to answer it properly:

“I think that it’s because we grow together. We seek out ways to learn new things, but we try to do that together where we can. It’s very easy to get stuck in a rut in a relationship, but a focus on growing and learning together keeps it fresh, and stops us taking each other for granted, or assuming that we know everything about the other person”.

That’s what we are looking at today – how to use learning together as a tool for deepening a relationship.

You Aren’t The Same Person You Were 12 Months Ago

Nor is your relationship.

If you think back to what you were like just 12 months ago, how much have you changed? You’ve probably grown and evolved in many ways.

The same is true for your partner. You’re both constantly changing and growing.

So change is inevitable – the real question is… are you growing together or growing apart?

We tend to assume that because we liked each other when we got together that this will simply remain true forever. But the more we grow individually, the more risk there is that the distance between us grows too.

For example, if one of you changes career and starts to have lots of new experiences in terms of travel, meeting new people, and learning new skills, while the other person is content working from home, then there’s the potential to drift apart. We can start to judge the other person, thinking that they aren’t growing like we are, that our experiences are more valuable than theirs.

What Do We Mean By Growth?

Growth encompasses a wide range of experiences, including learning new skills, developing new habits, and overcoming challenges. In relationship terms, I like to think that the most important aspect is emotional growth; it’s about understanding more of who we are, how we got to where we are today, and where we want to go next.

Half of our growth is unlearning the horror show of unhelpful limiting beliefs, attitudes, prejudices and mental health issues that we grew up with. So, if your relationship started when one or both of you were stuck in an unhealthy place… how can your relationship survive as you grow beyond that?

When one of you becomes less dependent upon the other person for support, how is that going to change the nature of your relationship?

When one of you becomes more or less financially stable, what does that mean for the two of you?

The more we go through these things on our own, the greater the risk of division in the partnership. But the more we involve the other person in our growth journey, the better the chances that we will understand each other and continue to grow the relationship too.

Learning Together Creates Connection

When you engage in shared learning experiences with your loved ones, you strengthen the bonds between you. We automatically feel closer to people when we learn together.

It doesn’t have to be something academic, it just has to be something outside of your comfort zone. It can be as simple as exploring a place that neither of you have been before.

We inherently understand the value of learning and experiencing new things, so when we do these with other people, we associate them with the excitement.

Most things are better when they are shared.

Being A Beginner Again Resets The Power Dynamic

Every partnership has power dynamics. By this we usually mean that we settle in to one person being the dominant partner in certain aspects of the relationship. For example, one person might be ‘in charge’ of finances, while the other person is responsible for the household. The danger is that the power dynamic can end up imbalanced; where one person is on top and the other person feels subservient, not getting to make decisions equally.

Participating in activities where both partners are beginners resets the power dynamic, even if just temporarily.

By embarking on unfamiliar territory together, you establish a level playing field that promotes shared vulnerability and mutual growth. We get to embrace the opportunity to learn and grow together as equals.

For example, if neither of you can dance, then a dance class is perfect. You both get to feel incompetent and silly, and have fun being vulnerable together. Neither person has the advantage of being good at it.

Shared Goals

Couples who work towards common objectives will often have stronger relationships.

What we mean by this is if you both agree on a project or ambition then there is a real sense of teamwork and cooperation as you work towards it. It’s about building a common sense of achievement and learning – not just as individuals but as a couple.

Take some time to talk about what you might want to work towards together. It could be a shared hobby, a new skill, or a personal development goal. It doesn’t have to be huge… maybe you just want to see if you can work together to keep a succulent plant alive for 12 months!

Or maybe you are going to do some work on the house. Instead of leaving it up to one person, plan how you would both like it to look, share the research on paint colours, tile choices etc. Even if you are naturally resistant to this, it can be beneficial to make it into a shared activity, rather than a chore.

Stepping Up Your Date Nights

Another way to bring learning and growth into your relationship is to expand your idea of quality time beyond traditional date nights.

Perhaps you might normally stick the TV on while having dinner… but what if you watched something like Couples Therapy that looks at other people’s relationships? Or what about watching a Tony Robbins coaching session? Or how about listening to a podcast and talking about what you think of it over dinner?

Or if you have a regular date night that normally consists of a meal out, what about if you switched it up and sometimes went and did something entirely unexpected, such as volunteering to clean up a river bank or going on a poetry writing course? Poetry writing would be my idea of a nightmare, but would I consider it as a one off for an unusual date night, if I thought that we would get something out of it? Probably.

Cultivate Curiosity Within Your Relationship

If you have been together for a while, then you may have started to assume that you know everything that there is about the other person. But take a moment to think about how many things that they don’t know about you.

Do they know how you felt that time you were bullied and chased at school?

Do they know that your favourite comic book as a child was GI Joe?

Have you ever told them about the time your grandmother died and the unspoken impact it had on you and the rest of your family? Do they know that you still regularly think about her?

These are obviously just made up examples, but you get the idea – there are potentially a vast number of things, especially deep feelings and experiences, that our partner doesn’t know about us, or hasn’t understood the significance of.

The same will be true for them too. You have vast gaps in your knowledge and understanding of them.

So if you really want to get to know your partner, get inquisitive. Ask questions, listen attentively, and make an effort to learn something new about them every day.

Cultivating curiosity will foster a deeper understanding and appreciation for your partner.