Do you put everyone else before yourself?

Do you try to fit in with whatever other people want?

Do you strive for niceness and pleasantness at all times?

Do you find yourself constantly seeking approval and validation from others?

If so, you may be a people pleaser.

People Pleasers can be fantastic company to have around, because they are sociable, caring and amenable, but at what cost?

When one of our primary drivers is about keeping other people happy, we often neglect our own needs and well-being. This can lead to chronic stress and burnout, which can have serious long-term health effects.

How People Pleasers Think

There are a few messages that we have constantly running in our heads as People Pleasers:

• “I’m OK as long as they’re OK”
• “I have to do everything for everyone.”
• “It’s just easier to go along with what other people want.”
• “Let’s just keep the peace. Don’t rock the boat.”
• “I need to be liked by everyone.”

We may not say these out loud, but they are the filter through which we run everything. Keeping the peace and ensuring that other people are happy is how we stay feeling valuable as people.

We only feel OK when other people are OK. We will find ourselves constantly seeking reassurance from others, and putting them first:

• “Have you got everything that you need?”
• “Are you sure that you’re OK?”
• “As long as you’re happy”
• “It’s no trouble at all. I’m happy to help.”
• “I can change my plans. It’s not a big deal.”
• “I don’t want to be a burden.”
• “Don’t mind me, I’m fine.”

Where Does It Come From?

Like all personality drivers, it is birthed in childhood when our parents teach us how to behave. There is often an expectation that we will be nice and pleasant at all times. We are expected to fit in with whatever other people want, and we are not allowed to say no.

We are taught that our worth is based on how much we can do for others, rather than on our own well-being and happiness.

Although it isn’t solely a gender thing, people pleasing is especially common amongst women. The most common messages passed on from our parents include:

1. “Don’t be bossy.” This message suggests that assertiveness or leadership in girls is undesirable, leading them to avoid expressing their wants and needs assertively. Instead, they may learn to achieve their goals through more passive or indirect means, such as pleasing others.
2. “Always be polite and nice.” While teaching manners is important, when it’s taken to the extreme it can teach girls to prioritize others’ comfort over their own feelings. They may feel pressured to suppress negative emotions and maintain a pleasant demeanor, even when they are upset.
3. “You’re so caring/helpful/generous.” Parents often praise their daughters for exhibiting nurturing behaviors or for putting others’ needs before their own. While these are positive traits, excessive praise for self-sacrifice can discourage girls from asserting their own needs.
4. “It’s better to give than to receive.” This message can lead girls to feel guilty about asking for what they want or need, teaching them to find validation in giving to others instead.
5. “Don’t be selfish.” When used frequently, this admonishment can lead girls to believe that it’s wrong to take care of their own needs, pushing them to constantly consider others’ needs first.
6. “You look so pretty when you smile.” Comments like these can teach girls that they are more valued or accepted when they appear happy and pleasing, regardless of how they might actually feel inside.
7. “You need to be a good girl.” The concept of being a “good girl” often implies compliance, agreeableness, and consideration for others above oneself. This can pressure girls into moulding their behavior to meet others’ expectations, rather than acting according to their own needs and desires.
8. “Don’t make a fuss.” Girls are often encouraged to avoid conflict, potentially suppressing their own feelings to maintain peace. This could lead them to ignore their own discomfort or discontentment in favor of others’ happiness.

Most of us will have had some of these messages as children, but it really depends on how much importance we attached to them. Did we feel that our parents might not love and accept us if we didn’t adhere to them?

The Benefits of Being a People Pleaser

It can sound like it is all negative, and often we are berated for people pleasing, but There are some significant benefits to people pleasing too:

1. Building Relationships: People-pleasers often excel at maintaining positive relationships. They usually avoid conflict and prioritize others’ needs, making them amiable companions, coworkers, or team members. Their accommodating nature can foster good rapport and a positive working environment.
2. Developing Empathy: People-pleasers are typically highly attuned to the needs and feelings of others. This empathy can make them excellent friends, partners, and caregivers, as they can understand and respond to others’ emotional states with sensitivity.
3. Serving as Peacekeepers: In situations of conflict or disagreement, people-pleasers often act as mediators. Their tendency to avoid conflict and make others happy can facilitate compromise and harmony.
4. Earning Praise and Appreciation: People-pleasers are often well-liked for their helpful, agreeable nature. This can result in positive feedback and appreciation from others, which can boost self-esteem and foster positive social connections.
5. Creating a Positive Image: In social or professional settings, people-pleasers can cultivate a positive image due to their accommodating and pleasant demeanor. This can sometimes lead to professional advancement or personal gain. They are absolutely the people you want front-facing in your organisation because they will always want to help clients and customers.

People Pleasing versus Resilience

People pleasers prioritize the needs of others over their own, which can damage our resilience. We will put our health needs to the bottom of the pile. It can feel almost impossible to find the time to go to the gym, for example, because there is so much else that needs doing that is ‘more important’.

People pleasers will rarely voice an opinion on something if it goes against what others want. This means that we often get dragged along to things that we don’t want to be doing or may even be detrimental to our health. It also means that we are constantly reinforcing the idea that our opinions are less valid and less important than those of others.

People Pleasers often feel guilty about saying no to someone. We will therefore often take on more than we can handle, leading to burnout and stress. It feels more important to be amenable than to say that we can’t cope.

Long Term Health Risks

If you are familiar with the work of Gabor Maté, and his book The Myth of Normal, you will be aware of the links between the suppression of our needs and chronic stress and disease.

Chronic stress and burnout are common among people pleasers, leading to a higher risk of developing conditions such as anxiety and depression.

Additionally, people pleasers may neglect self-care, resulting in poor sleep, unhealthy eating habits, and a weakened immune system.

Chronic disease is also far more common among people pleasers than the general population. This includes fibromyalgia, multiple sclerosis (MS), chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS/ME), irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and rheumatoid arthritis (RA). These are all diseases that may have a strong component related to emotional suppression.

How to Minimise the Risks of People Pleasing

People pleasers really benefit from learning to learn how to set boundaries, prioritize their own needs, and practice self-care.

It’s important for them to recognize that their worth is not solely based on how much they can do for others, but rather on their own well-being and happiness.

Taking Five Minutes

Overcoming our reluctance to take any time for ourselves can be a challenge because we always feel that other people’s needs are more important… and there’s always something we could be doing to make someone else’s life easier.

The first step in countering this is usually taking a deliberate five minute break each day doing something that only benefits us and no one else. It should be purely focused on us doing something like having a coffee outside, reading a book, or watching TV. Once that becomes a daily practice, it helps to reinforce the idea that our needs matter too and that taking time out leaves us healthier.

You can practice justifying this initially by reminding yourself that you are a better parent/friend/partner/employee when you are looking after yourself too. You are less likely to be ill, less likely to be grumpy and you will be less resentful!

It Is OK To Say No

The single biggest change that people pleasers can make is to learn how to say no. It’s important for us to recognize that we are not obligated to do everything for everyone, and that it’s okay to put our own needs first sometimes. This is really about setting healthy boundaries.

Our main worry is that refusing a request will offend or disappoint the other person. However, saying no is a vital part of healthy relationships.

Saying no can be difficult at first, but it gets easier with practice. Here’s how to do it:

1. Express Understanding: Show the requester that you understand the importance of their request. Acknowledge the situation, their need, or their perspective before you decline. This might look like: “I understand how important this project is to you and the team…“
2. Be Firm but Polite: Your tone and choice of words can communicate respect. Avoid overly apologetic language, which can undermine your decision. Use phrases such as “I appreciate you asking me, but…“
3. Provide a Brief Reason: While you don’t need to justify every no, giving a brief explanation can make the refusal easier to accept. You might say, “I’m currently focusing on a few urgent tasks, so I am not taking on anything else right now.“
4. Suggest an Alternative: If possible, recommend someone else who might be able to assist, or suggest a later time or a different approach. For example: “I can’t help with that today, but I’ll be available later in the week.” Or “I can’t take on the whole task, but I can certainly help with part of it.“
5. Practice Saying No: Like any skill, the more you practice, the better you’ll become. Try practicing with smaller, less significant requests before working your way up to larger ones.
6. Remember Your Worth: You are not defined by how much you do for others. Your worth is inherent, and it’s okay to put your own needs first sometimes. Keep telling yourself this!

How To Talk To People Pleasers

When communicating with people pleasers, you should approach them with empathy and understanding. Acknowledge their efforts and validate their feelings, while also encouraging them to prioritize their own well-being.

People pleasers are constantly taken advantage of, so avoid this at all costs.

Be aware that they will rarely say what they want for fear of it being seen as unreasonable, inconvenient, unimportant or not what other people would want.